Lillian Belle’s Story

Having a story about a child that has passed is the most difficult story that anyone will possess. I was not eager to be a part of this community, yet now here I am, eagerly sharing Lillian's Story.

Our sweet Lillian Belle was an unexpected gift we were excited to receive January 2019. When we found out she was a girl, I remember my husband Jeffrey’s look of delight. He kissed me and thanked me for giving him another girl. Since she was our third daughter, I took out all my favorite hand me down outfits and filled her dresser. I placed her crib in the corner of my room and I lovingly waited for Lillian to fill our baby bassinet. Unfortunately, that was never going to be our happy ending.

At 37 weeks, I woke up without feeling her loving shove out of bed. After a big bowl of ice cream and no excitement from her, it made my mommy instincts kick into gear. I drove to a nearby ER and casually checked in, feeling somewhat silly, thinking I was probably overreacting. After changing into my gown, I lay down on the bed making small talk with my nurse. Once she spread the doppler across my belly without hearing a steady heartbeat, my own heart dropped. I knew Lillian had died. But how? Why? My checkup two days earlier revealed a healthy baby! The ultrasound tech came in and I couldn't look at the scan. Instead, I stared at the nurse’s reaction to the scan and started to scream. I choked on my own tears. Jeff and I clung to eachother. All we could do was cry . To be honest, I thought about dying. Lillian was not old enough in my mind to be going somewhere alone- I am her mother, I wanted to be going with her.

I remember clinging to words of wisdom from my nurses and family members. I was scared to death about seeing and meeting Lillian. I was not ready to face my next steps. I had to bring her into the world but not bring her home. It wasn't just hard, it was impossible. When I woke up from the c-section, Jeff put Lillian on my chest. She was perfect. Not like my other children who I thought were also beautiful, but she was truly perfect. There was no crying, beautiful red lips, she was sleeping perfectly, and I loved her.

I was beginning a journey that I never thought was possible. I now look forward to our embrace in heaven and eternal life together. She is our family's guardian Angel. Even though we were never able to confirm her cause of death, we believe it was an umbilical cord accident. I will always cherish the time I had with Lillian in the hospital. I hope to share what made those following days so important to me with anyone who may find themselves looking at their baby knowing they will not get to take their angel home with them.